GUILT - do one.

After crying for about the 5^th time this weekend over the fact I have to go back to work on Monday after 6 weeks off (I work in a term-time nursery) and Isaac is back at the childminders, I’ve decided enough is enough. The guilt has got to stop!

It’s plagued me ever since I found out I was pregnant, NOTHING I’ve done is ever good enough (purely my own stupid opinion). Quick picture:  I was living in Sheffield, planning my May wedding when I found out my Dad was terminally ill. We frantically moved the wedding forward to February and 3 weeks after Christmas I found out I was pregnant. After the wedding, my Dad got worse, I quit my job and moved home (Teesside) without a second thought. My dad passed away and my husband moved back in the April. By now I’m 3 months pregnant, lost my Dad and neither me nor my husband have jobs. My genius other half got himself a job after only a month of being here, low wage as a work your way up job (and he’s doing AMAZING). I signed on for the duration of my pregnancy, genuinely applying for every job ever, to no avail. When I could, I took Maternity allowance. You can imagine this was tough – we had just paid for a wedding, with less time than we thought, we had literally not a penny to begin with – and with a baby on the way we had a lot to pay for. Credit cards etc did the job for us and got us through.  

I started applying for jobs when baby was 7 months old I was offered one when he was 9 months old – with immediate start. Luckily there was only 4 weeks until the 6 week hols. I had an amazing family who offered to help with the childcare initially and then I had a fab 6 weeks with my baby again. When September came, my Mam went part time and has Isaac on a Monday and Friday and he goes to childminders 8.30-5.00 the other 3 days. I have to work full time, not just to pay for the here and now, but to pay for the hard times of the last 2 years.

I hate that he’s with other people 5 days a week – not even a few hours its ALL day. I’ve properly been judged for it as well. I wanted to paint the picture, not for any sympathy (this is the worst), but to make it clear I had no choice – I still have no choice, BUT my nursery takes from 2 years old so immediately on his 2^nd birthday HES COMING WITH ME!! – I’m so excited but believe it or not I’ve been judged for this too – “oh do you think that’s a good idea?!” “oh will it not conflict with your job?” I’m usually very polite but what I actually want to say there’s too many expletives to write here.

Now for the guilt – I had a LOT to prove once my Dad died – there was no expectation it was only me I was proving it too. I can see now (it’s taken long enough) that I put so much pressure on myself to keep everyone together that I didn’t realise I was falling apart – this baby inside me was my families only hope – without Isaac (and everyone said it) we’d of all fell apart. I had 2 panic attacks when I was pregnant (never had them before I honestly thought I was dying). When I was induced and no one told me what was happening (a whole other story!) I had 2 panic attacks again.

After I had Isaac I couldn’t breastfeed – fellow Mammas will know you have HELL to pay when this happens – so there was guilt on top of guilt. There isn’t a day goes by when I don’t feel guilty. This is part and parcel of being a Mum, I know this, I prepared for this. But I should be feeling guilty for him not getting his five a day/shouting at him once/not getting him something he wanted – not for things I have no control over.

So there’s my story guilt. It’s not my fault. He only had 3 veg today I’ll give you that one, but the rest you can DO ONE. He's fine. I've worked full time for a year now and he's absolutely fine, he loves me and I love him, regardless if I'm working or not. It’s took me two years but I finally believe I’m killing parenting right now.  He’s happy, healthy and bloody hilarious. He’s a star and I swear he’s taught me more about myself than I ever would have known. (He’s also a lot harder than me he wouldn’t cry like a baby over crap like this – he got stung by a wasp today and barely flinched).